Under pressure-That’s how I’ve been feeling for such a long time. It’s been so long that I don’t know when I haven’t been under pressure. At this point, I’m able to relate to two types. The pressure I’ve been placing on myself, and the pressure applied by others.
I think I’ve applied most of the pressure to myself; or maybe it’s the other way around, pressure applied by others. I’m beginning to see that, for me, pressure could also be closely associated with my indecisiveness. I can remember that even as a child, I’ve never been able to make decisions. I can see how fear plays a role in decision-making for me but not all decisions were so serious that I needed to freeze. The choices that were the most difficult placed the most pressure on me. Choices others wanted me to make, choices that were life-altering, or those that were going to affect me or others. Some choices affected people I was responsible for and needed to be made no matter how difficult the decision. In some instances, the inability to make a decision resulted in it being made for me by default because I procrastinated out of the belief I needed more time, more information, or more guidance, etc. The more important the choice, the longer it took to make the decision and the more pressure that was applied and felt. There have been times I was in so much fear, believing I wasn’t able to or ready to make the decision. Those were the times I felt the most pressure. I felt as if I was going to crack under the pressure. I don’t how but a choice was made either by me or by default.
A CHOICE WAS MADE.
If I didn’t make the choice, my inaction chose for me. This sometimes resulted in loss, huge losses. Most importantly to me, is the loss of people in my life who mean the most to me. I also lost the ability to see the outcome if I were to have made a decision instead of allowing inaction to make that choice.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and personal work over the past three years. In the beginning, most of it was simply pushing myself to show up to do the work be it receiving Reiki or journaling. I’ve noticed that journaling has taken quite a different turn. I’ve gone from writing about life events, people, and things that bother me to digging deep and looking more at myself, triggers, and other topics in life.
I’ve also noticed how much I’ve changed. I no longer hold back from saying things and I’m focused more on what I want and need right now. The way I see it, most of my life I’ve been doing, doing, and doing for everyone else, and the way I’m treated today, apparently it didn’t matter nor was it appreciated. For some, it appears that my DOing for them was considered a bribe? Oh well, past that now. I can’t change their idea of me or their perceptions of events. I suppose if I look at all that’s happened in my life over the past ten years or so, I’ve been in a pressure cooker. The harder I tried to make everything right for everyone but me, I suffered great losses. Along with those losses, I lost myself. In addition to all that, I also developed health issues, which greatly affected my quality of life. I was barely functioning for anyone, including myself.
Inspiration comes from the oddest of places these days. Sometimes it comes from a place I believe to be guidance or answers to my questions or pleas for help.
Every single day I’m faced with new situations that either test what I’ve learned and vowed I would not repeat, or maybe I’m triggered by something. I’ve become better at recognizing those times as a trigger and ask myself, ok Victoria, what does this mean to you? Why are you triggered? Let’s look in the mirror and start more journaling and healing.
The flower petals of this image I’ve shared, when I look at them, are so tightly compacted within the bud. They’re so tight that it made me think of us when we’ve all been so tested and pressurized that we believe we are going to crack, explode, or burst. Asking ourselves if we’ll make it through to breathe, shine and rest in our beauty and progress…until it’s time to be reborn again.
Where am I currently? I feel like this flower. While I’ve yet to bloom, I don’t feel as much pressure. I suppose I’m more of a morning glory today. I open and close daily, now without that intense pressure….for a while anyway. I think by choosing to walk away from my most recent test, instead of repeating the error from my past, I received some reprieve from that pressure……but my flower is still very delicate
Originally Posted 08/28/2022
Silent Waters 