Shadow Boxing

I wish I would have done a better job. I intended to say a better job at documenting my Reiki sessions but then for some reason, it stopped right there. I guess I wasn’t intended to write about my last couple of Reiki sessions, but to go right there into wishing “I had done a better job.” I was about to write about discovering where that rises from but almost as quick as the thought came to me, I heard self-worth, value etc. I guess I look at things and events in my life and how they didn’t turn out as I hoped. I know I know…we are doing the best we can at any given moment, but I can’t help but think of the ‘what ifs’

If I had been a better…person, mother, daughter, employee, etc. I can think of several times in my life that hadn’t gone as I expected or wanted and wonder what I could have done better or different that would have provided a different outcome. I also hear, ‘things always happen for a reason’, and even more strongly, ‘don’t be so hard on yourself. This is the purpose in trial and error. The purpose in making what you believe are mistakes. You go until the light bulb clicks and you see what you’re doing and learn from it. Life doesn’t come with/from a manual. You aren’t supposed to have all the knowledge and answers from the get-go. I mean, that kind of negates the whole free will aspect of incarnation. In addition, if everything was already planned out and you are absent of free will, then you don’t make the choices and you lose the opportunity to learn, which is part of why you are here.’ I can see how this topic can closely connect with a previous topic I started on regarding pressure and decisions.

I guess part of (and as soon as I think about my next sentence, I got answers and it’s making it hard to journal because it’s like I’m now hearing a conversation and anything I write is several moments, thoughts or responses behind). I was going to say that if I would have made better decisions or did better in anything that has occurred in my life, maybe I would have also done a better job sparing others from my ‘bad’ choices etc. which could have caused pain. I then heard ‘it would have taken the lesson away from those involved.’

I’m sad today. My mood is a result of not being better or making better choices because it not only affected the result of my life but also shaped the future of other lives which directly affects my life now. I sit here thinking about being better and possibly making poor decisions then, and now I’m brought to the now. Am I making better choices? Am I better now? Am I still not getting it right? Because you know, I’m still affecting the lives and the world around me. Am I being selfish? Am I not only causing myself pain but others as well? I suppose I won’t know in my current now, but in the future now. Sometimes I still question myself, my actions, and my motives. I’m trying to make choices right now from more of a spiritual standpoint. I try to come from there more, but I also know the only way to come only from a spiritual place, is to be in spirit. As long as I carry on in this human form, I’m also making decisions through the filter of a human mind, emotion, and ego, etc. I have two sides of me battling right now. I’m feeling and receiving so much more now from spirit. I can feel the energy around me, the guidance growing, intuition growing, and messages delivered in many ways such as numbers, coincidental words, or situations etc. (if you believe in coincidences), and the thoughts that are coming faster and faster. BUT I also still feel and experience all the human crap in my life which also includes the ego. Yep, now I’m hearing that ‘I need to learn to let go of my ego desires, attempts to control, etc., let go and let God so to speak. I need to give into spirit’ and then again, I hear that word, pressure. I’m at the human/spiritual pressure point and I see it like a baby or child not wanting to give up his/her favorite toy. I hear, ‘I know what I need to do.’ I hear, ‘I know the action I need to take’, I also finally hear, ‘I just need to do it.’ Yep, again I hear the Nike logo-just do it. ‘The sooner you let go, the sooner you will stop the suffering and/or discomfort.’ And this is where I think of something else, I’ve been working on, acceptance, and that’s a whole other topic.

In summary, the words that come to mind here are…

Defeat, Acceptance, Pressure, Free Will, and Choice.


‘The ultimate Free Will is your choice to let go and let God/Spirit. All other choices in life are just prep and practice to arrive at this point, leading you to this ultimate choice. That’s the self-imposed pressure at any given moment. It isn’t defeat Victoria, unless you see the defeat from the standpoint of your ego, which again you set aside when you let go.’

Originally posted 08/29/2021

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