If I asked you to tell me what healing means to you, what would you say? Given all the journaling and self-discovery that I’ve been working on, I’ve started to ask myself that same question. The idea of healing really came to the forefront for me last week and I was able to spend time this weekend with a wonderful group of women and obtained some feedback. It really began to eat at me when I started to notice that I still have a knot in my stomach when I talk or think about one of the issues I previously worked on and shared here. I had already recognized that while I was able to forgive after I attained clarification, or at least some reasoning for the situation, I could still feel the grudge. Last week my attention became more focused on the fact that the grudge was felt as trapped energy in my gut, right where you would find the solar plexus. The anatomical location lead me to the solar plexus for about 95% off the trapped energy, and I also noticed the rest remaining in my chest, heart chakra, and my throat chakra.
I was at a retreat this weekend and while there was so much that happened in terms of revelations, I shared that I had begun to step out of my way and ask myself what it was about anther person in a situation that triggered me. While thinking of one of the women specifically, I remember how my throat chakra activated while listening to her current situation and her life. I didn’t look into the mirror because I assumed the activation was specifically related to her and her situation. I can now see that it was an unidentified trigger because while writing the previous paragraph about my solar plexus, my heart and throat chakra once again activated. Looking at this from my experiences and perspective, I can understand it.
Activation at all three makes sense when thinking about why I might have residual trapped energy and a grudge. Without going too deep into each chakra, the main area affected for me relates to my lack of free will, confidence, self esteem, and feeling as if I had no control over my life as a child. This I’ve again identified as stemming back to childhood where it wasn’t safe, I lacked the free will to change it since my parents had control over me, and I didn’t voice any of my family life to anyone. I eventually attempted to take back control later in life, but that’s a whole other blog in itself.
My heart and throat chakra are pretty much self-explanatory. As a Cancer, or maybe it’s just who I am, I feel everything deeply and to the core. The treatment coming from those i love and thought loved me must have felt like a knife to the heart, yes I can feel that. I had no voice as a child because I could not or did not tell others for whatever reason. Honestly, I don’t even remember the thought coming to mind. I’m assuming that it could have been due to more than one reason. Firstly, my family moved periodically due to the military and we never lived by family. I never really knew them since we traveled and never saw them. By the time I started to meet them, I didn’t think about it and I don’t know why. I was never told not to tell anyone. Secondly, I had next to no friends growing up. I was bullied and made fun of so who was I going to tell? I had no one I could confide in and I’m wondering if I didn’t tell adults because I wasn’t sure they were safe but mostly because I probably thought it was normal, I didn’t know any different. Lastly, I did call the police ONCE. This was one time where I did tell an adult and nothing was done about it. My mother refused to press charges.
Maybe that’s the answer, the reason why I still have that residual. Not only did she participate in the abuse, she didn’t act on it. Heck, for all I know, I wrote about this in other posts but it didn’t stand out at the time. I was too focused on the anger over her ability to prevent most of it, but instead she continued to perpetuate the same behaviors which acted as the catalyst for his abuse. I didn’t consider all the aspects and there was some part of me that knew there was more, leaving the residual unprocessed information. She had ample opportunity to stop it by either leaving him and/or reporting it, or both.
At this point, I’m guessing that the reason I could feel those chakras activate while writing about this, means that obviously I’m not healed, which brings me back to the word H e a l i n g. In different circles (churches, medical, spiritual etc.), no matter what the injury, I’ve heard everyone talk about the need to process to get past it and heal. I’ve written about forgiveness and my ability to understand it, see previous post, but it doesn’t mean I’m healed. In my experience, there’s never healing, at least not 100%. If you ask me for the meaning of healed I would tell you that the injury was gone, no longer existed, and the injury was back to the previous state of homeostasis.
I’ve found that it doesn’t matter how far removed I’ve been from any injury, emotional or other, the emotional and physical attachment to the injury still exists, only at varying degrees of intensity. The benefit of this past weekend was gaining perspective through the lens of other women around a fire. One of the women pointed out that sometimes injuries leave visible signs behind, like a scar. The wound is healed but the scar remains. Immediately I heard in my mind, phantom pain.
I have less of a knot this morning and I’ve gained more insight into how I’ve perceived my mother, her presence, and the affect she’s had on my life. It was impactful, and thus my attention is drawn to her. I decided not to use the word healed anymore and healing seems eternal. As spirit in human form, I recognize that this human needs an end to represent that healing took place and is over. Since both sides of me know nothing is ever over or complete, but in a constant phase of change, I can’t include that word in my vocabulary or I feel anxious at the thought of it remaining forever, forever working to reach completion. I don’t know that I’m ready to not be able to hit that time clock and punch out at the end of the day, so instead of healing, I’m going to use alternatives like, I’m still evolving.
Originally posted 09/19/2022