I started this post with a different idea in mind but after the first paragraph, it took a turn and I tabled it until my next posting. At least I know my next one is already in the pipeline because sometimes I’m not sure when my next inspiration may hit.

 I used to believe meditating was sitting or laying quietly and going into meditation. To be honest, I’m not sure if there is an accurate meaning or description for meditation or even one way to explain It. I believe the idea is different for everyone and what’s achieved is just as varied and individualistic.  I’ve tried sitting and it was never a good position for me. Laying always worked best as I’ve never had an issue with comfort and in a sitting position my mind wondered and I couldn’t relax. When I started, I didn’t know how to meditate or what to expect. Needless to say that as a mother of four at the time, taking even a brief pause to lay down resulted in falling asleep. Over a period of time however, it took longer to fall asleep and if I did sleep, the length of time grew shorter. I eventually reached a point where I didn’t sleep and would wait for “it” to happen. At first I started to notice sounds and sensations in my body; pretty much things that if we slow down and close ourselves off from the mindless day to day activity and thoughts life brings to us, we would begin to notice what we’ve truly been missing. After taking some time to connect with my body and the environment around me, imagery began to join the medatative process. 

  I’ve had many experiences since that time, one of the most powerful and unforgettable was over twenty years ago when I had the first real proof that there was something beyond me, the world here, and that I was connecting to it all on a deeper level. I always lit incense, a candle and played music, usually Enya or something similar. This particular night I was given the idea, I thought on my own, to not only light a candle but to also wrap it around my my body from head to toe. I wrapped it like a ribbon from head to toe, lit it, then lay down and started to meditate. What’s most important to note here is that the color of the candle was yellow (the importance of this will be evident at the end). My meditation was very different that night. Meditations usually started with seeing the stars, feeling and hearing things and I would get information. I was foolish and never wrote it down. On this night, it was as if I was in a dream. Everything was so vivid and as if I was right there in it. At first I saw a foggy mist all around me and everywhere. As soon as I was aware of what I was seeing, I felt chills crawl all over my body and right up my spine. I heard “I’m here or she’s here.” There were tall trees evenly spaced everywhere. I mostly saw the trunks and the rest of the tree, branches with leaves or pine needles, were higher up the trunks and barely visible in that foggy mist. I started to walk forward and saw a building come into view as I got closer. I was in a long gown with long sleeves which appeared to be white or grey. I started to see what looked like a plantation house and a young black girl, maybe five to seven years of age, standing alone in front of this building or house. If I remember correctly, she also wore a long dress and her hair was braided. There was a walkway that ran perpendicular in front of and possibly connected to the place and she stood there looking at me. Although I had no recollection of her, I suddenly felt this rush of emotion wash over and through me. It was a mix of elation, joy, excitement, sadness, longing and concern in that order. I ran to her taking her hand and telling her I was here now and you have to come with me; quick before it’s too late, come with me. Thinking back now, at some point I went from the awareness of arriving somewhere, seeing her and realizing I didn’t know who she was, to being that woman, knowing this girl, feeling all this emotion, and desperation for her to come with me. Somehow I knew my time was limited and I wanted her to follow or join me quickly. At some point I had her hand in mine and she was resisting. She had a look of fear on her face and a look that said she had no idea who I was as she tried to pull her hand away. She ran off, at least I think she did, and that was all I remember. I don’t remember leaving or coming back, I just remember opening my eyes. I don’t really remember my response to that experience or events after, but at some point I went to bed. It’s possible too much time has passed to remember those details but the rest I will never forget. I don’t remember how much time went by or if I was already asleep,  but my young daughter of about five came rushing into my bedroom and she was very upset. She said she had a bad dream, a lady was trying to take her, and described her as wearing..a yellow dress! The flood of shock washed over me as I realized what happened. I tried to reassure her that everything was okay. I told her it was only me, a dream, and that everything was okay. It was only me. 

Thinking about this now, I can’t help but think she probably didn’t understand. I was still trapped in my knowledge of what just happened and trying to assure her it was okay, it was only me, but she had no knowledge or understanding of what just happened or what I meant. I probably confused her and made no sense.  

 After this event my understanding and knowledge or concept of spirituality and life as I knew it changed. I never told anyone about what happened, at least not until this past year and now in this post, and I don’t think my daughter and I ever talked about it again. If you’re reading this dear and if you remember that night, I love you and am sorry you became part of the experience and I’m here to talk if you wish to talk about this or anything else. If you remember this, I hope if anything, you realize the implications and possibilities of past- lives and it plants the seed or helps your beliefs grow. 

 My point in all this is that meditation can be as different and unique as we all are, and if you’re trying to experience what you think is supposed to be “right” based off the descriptions of others, you may find yourself frustrated and/or disappointed. Guided meditations are wonderful but I’ve never been able to use them. I’ve never been one that could conform or benefit from them be it in a group, individually, or alone with an audio clip. The guided meditations are too distracting for me and my spirit only wants to break away and do its own thing. I’m hearing it’s because I figured out what meditation was for me independently. I never knew anyone to teach me or had any education or guidance on it when I first started. I heard about it from somewhere, was curious, and figured it out for myself. Once you find what it is to you and what works for you, stick with it because nothing is better than finding your own path, gifts, and process to what’s true for you than when you’re tapping into your own higher self. No one knows you more than you and if you don’t know who you are or what you’re capable of, meditation will help you to connect and get you there. I went from a young mother of four and falling asleep, to soaring higher, farther, and faster on my own.

 Shortly after I discovered how to meditate, I started to search for others who had the same interest and to grow my spiritual community. I was fortunate enough to meet and work with a man who was building his spiritual journey. I think he recognized my inability to follow his guided meditations after working with me for a while, and gave me the space to continue on my own growth trajectory but continued to include me in his workshops. While I’m very grateful and miss working with him, our paths took us in different directions in this life. I still miss our work together Patrick ( and http://www.instagram/ ) but I also believe our work may be very different now. My life entailed so much more in the way of responsibilities that kept me grounded in the here and now. This, I believed,  stifled my growth and dreams for there is a split in me. I feel cut straight down the middle. One side of me has a goal/plan and agreement that brought me here to be a mother, and the other side that was so spiritually connected that it was hard, down right tortuous sometimes, to not be able to dive deeply into my soul and spirituality. It has been a constant battle for me for many years. When I started to swing too far into the spiritual side, life would throw me back into the other side where I grounded deeply into and connected strongly with the love I have for my children. You see, when you see the things I see when I meditate and the connection I feel when working in the field, it’s so beautiful and amazing that I could get lost in it. I guess it’s my drug, my addiction. When I walked away to live life and focus on being the mom I chose to be, I became so disconnected from it all that I worried that I would never get it back. Without that spiritual connection and work, the day to day stress of life was not balanced spiritually and depression and anxiety set in. (“Psst, it doesn’t leave. It’s here and all you have to do is plug yourself back into it). Writing this, I can see so much of my natal chart and it’s making the connections I never understood. It’s such an AHAAA moment. I’ve learned so much about the ego side of me in the past two years. 

 That side of me, among many other shadows is so dedicated to my children, the love I have for others who walked into my life, and humanity, that I’ve given everything I’ve had to all of them, including all of me. While I know others may not see or agree with that, I’ve also learned that how others perceive my giving all of me is different from mine. I’ve experienced a lot of loss and pain from many of them in the past two years. I just got this idea or message, depending on how you view where you receive your insights, that this is where it’s time to not hold back anymore. It’s time to allow myself to once again take that step onto the spiritual side as now is the time for it to be realized, loved and focused upon. Maybe this time life will not pull me away again. It’s like feast or famine because it can take all of me to focus on one or the other. I don’t do well splitting between the two mostly because I am the kind of person that dedicates 100% of my energy and attention on something, which is better in my opinion.

 The thought of focusing 100% of me on spirituality and my needs, brings about a sense of fear which I never had before. It’s the fear of more loss in my life and the risk that what I’ve already lost would be lost for good. I would love to dedicate 100% of myself to spirituality and knowing that I can still be able to see my children and grandchildren. I would definitely take time to see everyone and spend time with them but instead of working a job, I would be working spirituality. The universe has set separation from them into motion over the past two years. It’s heart breaking and yet I also know the support and growth I need will be there. 



Originally Posted 10/15/2022

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